Soliloquy of a Former Nun
by atearsarahjane
Summary: Set during 3.5 whilst Patrick and Tim are at Nonnatus House with Sister Julienne. Shelagh takes the time to talk to someone important


**Dedicated to my-little-yellowbird, let-the-nerdiness-commence, Sarah and Bee. They know why xx**

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><p>'I don't know what I'm doing Katie. I had such a clear path set out for me. I was a good little nun, I kept my head down, helped the community, developed babies, shadowed Sister Julienne, prepared myself to take over from her when the time came.<p>

But then Patrick happened. And a new path was set out for me. I was to be his wife, a stepmother to his son and have a family of my own. But that's all gone wrong. I can't give my husband the child we want so badly, and now Tim has started playing up for me. Just me. Not Patrick so it's not just pre-teenage hormones. I think the novelty of having me around has worn off. I stopped being his dad's exciting new wife and became the boring, authoritarian figure. And he became the only child I'll have. It's not so wrong of me to want to keep him safe is it? I just want what's best for him, why can't he see that? Obviously I want him to be outside playing with his friends. I want him to be happy and healthy. But he nearly died 6 months ago Katie. Oh I was so scared when I found him on the sofa; I should have seen that he was ill. In hindsight it's so obvious but I was so busy getting excited about being the future Mrs Turner that I forgot I was also the future mother of a little boy who needed my love. And I do love him. I love him so much Katie, I never realised how much I could love a son I didn't give birth to. That's why I'm so protective of him. I failed him before and I won't let him get hurt because of a lapse in my care again. I'm a nurse! His father is a doctor! Why couldn't he understand that we are just watching out for him? He dotes on his father so any resentment he has will be turned against me.

Oh what do I do Katie? Help me. You always knew the right thing to say. I wish you could be here. I wish you could meet my boys. You'd love them; they're both just as cheeky as you were. I can just imagine you and Tim skulking around together plotting and giggling and scaring Patrick and I half to death.

They're both at Nonnatus House right now. Sister Julienne collapsed at lunch. They've been so busy recently. They lost Jane, Jenny and I and only got Sister Winifred in return. Well...not only. She's a delightful woman and she's becoming an excellent midwife. Sister Julienne has always taken on too much. I should have had more courage. I went to ask her if I could come back to work last month but before I could ask she suggested I join a choir. A choir! Not quite what I was after. It didn't even seem to occur to her that I could take on at least some of the burden, pick up some work now and then even if it's just paperwork. I miss it there. I miss seeing them every day. I miss having dinner with them. I miss the camaraderie. I wouldn't give up my life as a Turner for anything, infertility and temperamental son included, but it would be nice to not have quite as much of a total separation from the only life I knew for so long. I know you're laughing at me right now. I'm probably over thinking it.

Oh Katie I can't believe it's been 17 years since you died. I told Patrick about you. He wishes he could have met you. I suppose it just slipped his mind that it's your anniversary today. He's so busy that he can't remember everything I suppose. I so wanted to go to the science museum this week. I remember how much you dreamt of going to it. I remember how you would spend hours talking to me about everything and anything scientific you could find. I fell in love with biology because of you. You're the reason I got into nursing. Patrick is always surprised how much I love science considering I am so religious. It doesn't seem possible to him. Silly man. My silly man. I still love butterflies you know, I still think of you and your collection every time I see one. I have so much to thank you for.

I'm sorry that I haven't spoken to you as much recently but my life has been so...complicated recently. I felt you there with me every step of the way though, especially during the wedding and my hospital stay. I know you're watching down on me and smiling.

Oh, it sounds like Patrick and Tim are home already. That was quick. I'd best go see to them. Make sure Sister Julienne is okay. I promise I won't leave it so long next time. I love you Sis. And I miss you.' Shelagh pulled herself up from her spot under the tree at the bottom of the garden. She brushed down her dress, brushed the tears from her cheeks and walked back into the house.

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><p><strong>So angsty Ali=slighty angsty fic apparently<strong>

**Reviews always massively appreciated xxx**


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